My Little Happiness

I have an obsession with colors. I love them. Seeing bright colors as a regular thing keeps me, in a way, sane. And in my quest to become more organized, I realized I could incorporate this love of mine!

So,I went to Office Depot with the intent of finding ways to be more organized. I realized I wanted paper clips, magnets, push pins, etc - normal "office supplies" - and then I saw their assortment of brightly multi-colored things. I just about died. Seriously. And they sell these boxes - Really Useful Boxes, to be exact - that are just perfect for organization.

So now I have what I've been thinking of as my boxes of happiness and my shelves of happiness.

I have three types of pens - some really nice multicolored ones that I got a few years ago and fell in love with, some multicolored gel pens, and my typical go-to pen (all in black). I have more Sharpies than I know what to do with. I have lots of dry erase markers.

I have piles of sticky notes. I have office supplies in all colors of the rainbow!

Just glancing at my shelf makes me happy and giggly; partially because I know where everything is, and partially because it's just so darn colorful!

This was something so simple, but it's impacted me so much already. I wonder what else a little color and organization will improve in my life?

Happiness is: Books

http://www.penguin.co.uk/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,9780141040356,00.htmlNote: Images link to Anthropologie sales pages.

I've mentioned before my not-so-secret love affair with books. I've had it mostly under control for the last little while - since my last book-buying binge I've been very careful when I've gone into bookstores, and I've only bought anything with Tene's go-ahead. In the meantime my GoodReads list has grown to absurd lengths (I will take pictures of books that look interesting while I'm in a bookstore. Then when I get home I'll look up the title, and decide if it's something I might enjoy at some future time or not. If it is, I put it on the list, if it isn't, I simply forget about it) - but I haven't bought anything, and window shopping for books has been quite fun!

But then there's these, which I swear Anthropologie is selling just to taunt me.

Right now they're only offering five titles (although the Penguin website has all the others) - Wuthering Heights, Sense and Sensibility, Little Women, Pride and Prejudice, and The Sonnets and A Lover's Complaint (the image includes The Picture of Dorian Grey, but that isn't available through the Anthropologie website, while lacking The Sonnets and Little Women; I believe the image is out of date). They also have classic children's titles available - six of them - The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, The Adventures of Robin Hood, Anne of Green Gables, The Wind in the Willows, The Secret Garden, and Peter Pan.

Now, I only have some interest in reading six of these titles - two of the classics (Sense and Sensibility and Little Women) and four of the children's classics (Robin Hood, Wind in the Willows, Secret Garden, and Peter Pan), because I haven't read those yet. But, I want to own all of the books - and the ones on Penguin's website that aren't for sale on Anthropologie. Because they're simply beautiful editions. I'll never read Wuthering Heights again - I hated it the first time, I'm sure I'd hate it again - but the binding and cover are simply to die for, for a bibliophile like me. They're simply lovely and I want to have them on my bookshelf.

I know all of this goes back to something very basic in me - I want to be the kind of person who I associate as owning a lot of books - and who I would associate with owning classic novels. Someone cultured and refined and all of that. It also feeds my desire to be surrounded by pretty things - even if they're not exactly useful pretty things. So far I've kept myself from buying any of these wonderful books - but I think about having them all on my shelf, looking so great next to each other ... and I have to say it's hard not to pull out my debit card and charge the lot of them.

Giving Up Something I Enjoy, For The Greater Good

I've recently realized that for me to be happy I need to eat well. Which means I'm going to have to give up something I enjoy.

I've been trying the Paleo diet - not rigidly, but I've been doing pretty well. I've largely cut wheat grain from my diet (and most other grains, although those were somewhat easier, the only one I've continued to eat with any sort of frequency is rice - and that I eat when I go out), and I had noted that my IBS symptoms had almost completely disappeared from my daily life.

Then this last week I bought a couple of boxes of pasta - Annie's Deluxe Macaroni and Cheese. It was pretty good, as far as macaroni and cheese goes, but oh how I regretted the decision afterwards.

Basically this comes down to one obvious conclusion: I have some form of intolerance wheat - which puts pasta (one of my former favorite foods) right out of the question for me. This also closes the door on some of the things that I have wanted to make habit - frequent baking, for example - and some things that I've viewed as ... not important, but special - pastries and cookies.

I think that I'll still continue to bake - especially since I like making things for other people much more than I enjoy making them for myself. I'm considering occasionally trying out gluten free baking as well - to see if I can have those once in a while and not have adverse results.

In the end, though, I guess I've known for a while now that food containing much grain isn't that great for me, and that a more primal diet would be the best. It's just taken me a long time to remember and really let that sink in.

Goodbye Internet

Today I did, well, nothing. Really. I spent most of the day in bed on my laptop. I had a bath. I made dinner, and I did dishes. I had a whole day to do anything I wanted and/or needed to do, and I opted instead to do absolutely nothing.

These are all the tabs I currently have opened. I am, starting tonight (like, right now), not going to open any others. I've closed my RSS feeder. I may end up closing my IM and IRC sessions.

Yes, that's right: I'm unplugging. At least for the weekend.

I've noticed before my lack of self control when it comes to the computer - I just have a really hard time closing the browser and getting to work. It seems like there's always a new blog or comic to read, or Reddit has some new information to share with the world that I might find interesting. I get caught up reading TVTropes and Wikipedia. I get stuck opening pictures of cute animals.

But none of these contribute to how I feel about myself (not positively, at least). I end up upset that I didn't do chores, or that I didn't write, and I start feeling an upset "doomspiral" take hold.

Today was less than successful. And my previous days were less than successful as well (although I got things done - I didn't get as much as I wanted to done, and I do think part of that is connected to spending time online). So, for the weekend (at least) I'm going to take a step back, let the internet do it's thing without me. Instead I'm going to focus on the things that I believe will improve my level of happy: I'm going to work on my writing, I'm going to read, I may even draw a little. I'm going to play with the rats, I'm going to get outside, I'm going to clean and organize some of my apartment (like the workroom - it would be nice to be in there without feeling that I must clean).

See you Monday.

I Should Feel Happy

I should be happy right now. I had a pretty successful day. I made a bunch of phone calls - calling apartments to set up viewings and doctors to set up appointments (and to try to get a prior authorization that was supposed to be dealt with a week ago), I paid all of our outstanding bills, and I had my first therapy session with my new therapist (and I got there early). I cleaned up the kitchen.

Typing it out like that, it doesn't seem like I actually did that much today - but I felt like I was constantly busy, and often doing more than one thing at a time. Added to the stress of calling (I hate talking on the phone) places, and I guess I can see why I'm feeling a bit run down.

All the same, I don't feel proud or happy about what I accomplished today. Rather, I feel unhappy that I didn't do more.

I was going to pick up dry cleaning and do our large loads of laundry (blankets, mostly) at a laundromat. I was going to clean the bedroom and my workroom. I was going to make a delicious primal-friendly dinner for Tene and I, and I was going to drive him out to San Francisco. I was going to end world hunger and achieve world peace, and win a Nobel prize to boot.

No, really, by the time I hung up the phone for the last time today, the idea of making dinner felt about the same as the idea that I could end world hunger. After doing some introspection I realized tell that I've been running low on my overall allotment of "spoons" lately, and I obviously used them all up. I had a number of stressful tasks to do today, and I didn't really let myself get a breather (exception: After seeing my new therapist I wandered around the city a little and found a little used bookstore - on the upside I left empty handed! On the downside, there are now more books on my to-read list. Also, I spent most of my time there worrying about other stuff that needed to get done), nor did I acknowledge what I did do.

So, I should feel happy, but I don't. I'm grumpy and I keep snapping. I also keep taking various things to be active criticisms or intentional slights. To me this means that I should go to sleep. So off to bed I go.

Finding Simple Pleasures Part 1

I'm not a difficult person to please, at least in the short term.

I went on a bit of a (what Tene called) recreation shopping spree yesterday. While some of what I purchased is going to be returned, it was kind of eye opening to see what I'm willing to invest money and time in.

I got flower growing kits from CVS, and I looked for appropriate flowers at a nearby gardening center/nursery before giving up (I feel I should do more investigating before spending a lot on plants that I'm unsure will fare well in small containers). I have at previous times bought various other grow kits - usually to be met with failure. I'm slowly getting the hang of keeping plants alive, and I can usually figure out what I did to kill them (the two basil grow kits from Ikea that I bought, however, are total mysteries to me - I have no clue why they never sprouted).

The other things I purchased fit nicely into two categories: Office supplies and books.

I really shouldn't be allowed into a bookstore without accompaniment, as I tend to go a little wild. Yesterday I went to four bookstores - Bell's Books, Borders (where I bought 3 books), Book Buyers (where I bought 3 books), and Books Inc. I spent most of my day in these stores.

The books I bought had to do with writing, crafts, and organizational skills - The Handmade Marketplace, Little Birds, 365: A Daily Creativity Journal, Real Simple The Organized Home, Booklife, and On Writing. I'm returning The Handmade Marketplace and the Creativity Journal on Monday - After going over them with Tene I realized that they're not right for where I'm at right now, and who I want to be. The Creativity Journal has a good idea behind it, but lacks things that I actually want to do on a day-to-day basis. And, I already have a craft-marketing book, Crafty Superstar (I am considering looking into Craft Inc, as well. Handmade Marketplace was simply not what I am looking for, and had a lot of redundant - for me - information in it).

As for office supplies, well, this has always been a guilty pleasure of mine. I go a little crazy with binders and sticky notes. I don't know why, but I always have. But I have two true weaknesses. Two insidious weaknesses that don't seem like very big deals on the outset, but I swear would bankrupt me if I let them.

Pens and notebooks.

I love pens and notebooks. I think it's part nostalgia: all of my writing in Junior High and High School was done pen and paper first - and part dreamy-eyed optimism or a type of delusion or something: if I could just find the right pen and the right notebook all of my thoughts and ideas would flow to the page like water. I've also happened to catch myself thinking "But, what if I need this particular adorable notebook with an owl on it!?" So at least some part, and I'm not sure how big of a part it is, rests solely on impulse and some odd, currently empty desire to "collect" something.

I have a stack of Moleskine Cahier notebooks that have had the first few pages used and everything else is blank. I have Moleskine Volant notebooks that are similarly unused. I have eight or ten blank regular college-ruled notebooks that I got from Target when they were going all crazy selling school supplies. I have a couple more that are square-ruled. I have reams of unused lined paper.

And yesterday I bought more. I bought two more Moleskine Volants (they come in sets of two, I got grey ones), as well as two of their new "Passions" journals - Books and Wellness. On the upside - I've been meaning to start keeping both a book journal and a wellness journal for myself for ... well months now. I suspect that having a fill-in-the-blanks format, that requires no real initial effort from me will be beneficial. As for the Moleskine Volants? I'm returning them.

(As an aside I also bought two 20 oz water stainless-steel water bottles at University Art - where I got the Moleskine journals. I'm uncertain why I have an obsession with cute waterbottles - but these two make a total of nine of the things in our apartment. I'm also returning these, because they're not each worth the cost, and because, well, we already own seven.)

The only other place I stopped at was Office Max, or Office Depot ... I can never remember which. I spent a good hour or two just wandering the aisles, trying to find the best of whatever. I ended up finding my favorite go-to pen in a box of twelve, so got that. This despite the fact that earlier this week I bought a box of really cute gel pens and a fountain pen. On the positive side: I shouldn't have to buy pens for a while.

The things I acquired made me happy - but left me feeling a little unfulfilled. Sure, I had more pens than is really necessary, but was I going to use them? Even though I enjoyed acquiring them, I experienced a decent amount of consumer guilt, something that worsened after admitting my spending to Tene, who helped me to decide what to return and what to keep - which a day later, I feel a lot better about.

Happiness, Unhappiness, and Satisfaction

Since I began my Happiness Project I've been using OhLife to keep a personal, private journal about how I've been doing. In addition to talking about my day (which ranges from a couple of sentences

Wed, Jan 26 2011

Jaw pain is still the same. Dentist tomorrow. Not much happened.

to a good 250-500 words) I also tried to keep a record of three "mood variables." Happiness, Unhappiness, and Satisfaction.

The scale I gave myself was 1-10 - With one being the lowest and ten being the highest. I figured that with such a scale, and only allowing myself to answer in whole numbers, I wouldn't be in the position where every day was, say, a three, if I were using a 1-5 scale. I don't really have perfectly neutral days. So, even though five and six are right in the middle of the scale, they're tipped just enough that I have useful information.

This was something I thought of doing while reading The Happiness Project (and I'm starting to feel like this is becoming a marketing point for that book - I swear, it isn't. The book just happens to be on my reading list right now, and is the reason that I even started this project). At one point, Gretchen Rubin talks about how she came to find her "happiness formula."

Suddenly ... everything slipped into place, and my happiness formula sprang into my mind with such a jolt that I felt as if the other subway riders must have been able to see a lightbulb appearing above my head.

To be happy, I need to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right.

Well, I thought about this and tried to figure out how to best apply it to my own life. I simplified the terms - Happy for "feeling good," Unhappy for "feeling bad," and Satisfied for "feeling right." Then I decided to track, on a day-to-day basis, how I feel in all three categories.

This is what January looked like, for as much as I actually monitored (I ended up not posting most of January, I hope that February is a much larger graph).

I noticed a couple of things right away when I started doing this.

My happiness and unhappiness, feeling good and feeling bad, were independent scales. I could be happy and unhappy at the same time, and they didn't necessarily effect one another.

For example - early in the month I was very upset about losing Moe, one of my rats. I was distraught and unhappy about it (her sickness and decline came as a shock and a surprise). It wasn't until I rescued three rats that I felt some sort of closure about Moe. However, despite feeling a nagging unhappiness (a 1 or 2 on my scale), it didn't really change my happiness level. And being happy about something didn't necessarily make the unhappiness go away.

That isn't to say that the two had nothing to do with one another. When I was happier I was less unhappy, and when I was unhappy I tended to be less happy. But the two were different scales, not part of the same sliding scale. When I first set up the data sets I had separated them expecting something more like this:

Happiness 10 --- Unhappiness 1
Happiness 9 --- Unhappiness 2
Happiness 8 --- Unhappiness 3
etc.

But, as you can see on my graph, the numbers didn't correlate quite that well.

There was also the fact that my satisfaction had little to do with my level of happiness or unhappiness. On days that I happened to be happier, I also happened to feel more satisfied - but not because I was happy. From what I can tell, being happy tends to help me have more energy (or gives me more spoons), which makes it easier for me to motivate myself to get things done (and allows me to use up fewer spoons), which in turn helps me feel more satisfied about myself and my life.

Now I'm excited to see how the whole year will look once I'm done - and to see how much more frequent my happiness level is six or higher and my unhappiness level is five or lower.

Making Changes

My project has fallen by the wayside as I've slipped back (two steps forward, one step back, right?) and returned to being who I don't want to be, but who I naturally tend toward. It's unfortunate, but true.

I'm going to keep trying, and I'm hoping February will be better for me, but I can already tell that the way I was going about my project was completely wrong for me.

I was trying to follow the example of Gretchen Rubin, whose book The Happiness Project got me thinking about my own happiness and prompted me to begin this project in the first place. I think that this is why I've had a lot of trouble. I was ignoring my own strengths and weaknesses and trying to force myself into a spot that was unnatural and inherently difficult for me.

Like only focusing on certain goals each month. Yes, this is a good way to lay groundwork, and is important, but when I had a chance to begin Crossfit courses (and join a gym) for a reduced cost I deliberated instead of jumping at the chance. I wanted to put off beginning on energy-related goals until February, and now that it's almost February I find that I may have to put off some of my energy related goals anyway, because of some health problems that have cropped up (TMJ specifically; I do not feel that I can safely begin a month-long Paleo diet and high-energy exercise routine while being limited to a mostly, if not completely, liquid diet). Also, putting goals off until some arbitrary date in the future made me feel less excited about them by the time I got to enact them.

So, from now on I'm going to add goals as I think of them. Each month I'm going to spend extra time thinking about and working on specific tasks (as I've been doing), but I'm not going to ignore or forego goals just because "it isn't time yet."

I'm also going to look at my goals not so much as something to be achieved - so not so much like goals - but more like habits that I'm trying to learn and ingrain in myself. I think that changing the end point to something that really isn't ever complete from something set in stone is a good idea for me. It fits with my desire to always be improving and making my life better, and I believe that I will feel less of the failure-guilt if I don't do well for a few days - because for some reason there seems to be a difference between failing to maintain a habit and failing to reach a goal. Both are failing in their own way, of course, and I fully admit that this is mostly buggering about with semantics, but failing to maintain something sounds and feels much less dour and permanent than failing to reach something.

Pits to Fall In

It has been 20 days since I started my happiness project. I've run in to a decent number of pitfalls in that time - more than I expected to run in to, and in some ways more than I was prepared for.

I found that my enthusiasm for my project waned quickly, and it has been difficult to stick to my goals. This isn't the first time I've felt this way about making changes to my life. I often talk about seeking for change or improvement - which, on an intellectual level, I do want and desire to strive for - but, to be completely honest, my natural disposition tends more toward stagnation and the status quo. Change is very difficult for me to accomplish - it always has been. I blame it on my inclination to remain the same, which I don't yet know how to overcome. Perhaps striving for personal improvement will always be a struggle for me.

I've also had a very difficult time working on what seem like relatively simple goals - a problem which has an overall discouraging affect on me. Even simply tracking my time or my progress on my goals has been a difficult task to consistantly follow through with. 20 days in and more than once I've wanted to throw my arms up in the air and give up.

I've started trying to make some changes to how I do this project, but most of them haven't helped much. I'll talk about those later.

Authentic Happiness Inventory

I decided to take the Authentic Happiness Inventory as a baseline for my changes in happiness and contentedness in my life.

My score was 2.96 out of 5.00. Which is ... lower than I would like it to be, but not as low as I was expecting. Perhaps it was boosted by the fact that I'm really optimistic about how this year will turn out, or maybe it's because I'm truly feeling better about my life in general, due to the changes I know I've made and those that I'm going to make.

I believe I will take this test again in six months, and then again in January of 2012. I'm interested to see what the result will be.