Giving Up Something I Enjoy, For The Greater Good

I've recently realized that for me to be happy I need to eat well. Which means I'm going to have to give up something I enjoy.

I've been trying the Paleo diet - not rigidly, but I've been doing pretty well. I've largely cut wheat grain from my diet (and most other grains, although those were somewhat easier, the only one I've continued to eat with any sort of frequency is rice - and that I eat when I go out), and I had noted that my IBS symptoms had almost completely disappeared from my daily life.

Then this last week I bought a couple of boxes of pasta - Annie's Deluxe Macaroni and Cheese. It was pretty good, as far as macaroni and cheese goes, but oh how I regretted the decision afterwards.

Basically this comes down to one obvious conclusion: I have some form of intolerance wheat - which puts pasta (one of my former favorite foods) right out of the question for me. This also closes the door on some of the things that I have wanted to make habit - frequent baking, for example - and some things that I've viewed as ... not important, but special - pastries and cookies.

I think that I'll still continue to bake - especially since I like making things for other people much more than I enjoy making them for myself. I'm considering occasionally trying out gluten free baking as well - to see if I can have those once in a while and not have adverse results.

In the end, though, I guess I've known for a while now that food containing much grain isn't that great for me, and that a more primal diet would be the best. It's just taken me a long time to remember and really let that sink in.

Goodbye Internet

Today I did, well, nothing. Really. I spent most of the day in bed on my laptop. I had a bath. I made dinner, and I did dishes. I had a whole day to do anything I wanted and/or needed to do, and I opted instead to do absolutely nothing.

These are all the tabs I currently have opened. I am, starting tonight (like, right now), not going to open any others. I've closed my RSS feeder. I may end up closing my IM and IRC sessions.

Yes, that's right: I'm unplugging. At least for the weekend.

I've noticed before my lack of self control when it comes to the computer - I just have a really hard time closing the browser and getting to work. It seems like there's always a new blog or comic to read, or Reddit has some new information to share with the world that I might find interesting. I get caught up reading TVTropes and Wikipedia. I get stuck opening pictures of cute animals.

But none of these contribute to how I feel about myself (not positively, at least). I end up upset that I didn't do chores, or that I didn't write, and I start feeling an upset "doomspiral" take hold.

Today was less than successful. And my previous days were less than successful as well (although I got things done - I didn't get as much as I wanted to done, and I do think part of that is connected to spending time online). So, for the weekend (at least) I'm going to take a step back, let the internet do it's thing without me. Instead I'm going to focus on the things that I believe will improve my level of happy: I'm going to work on my writing, I'm going to read, I may even draw a little. I'm going to play with the rats, I'm going to get outside, I'm going to clean and organize some of my apartment (like the workroom - it would be nice to be in there without feeling that I must clean).

See you Monday.

I Should Feel Happy

I should be happy right now. I had a pretty successful day. I made a bunch of phone calls - calling apartments to set up viewings and doctors to set up appointments (and to try to get a prior authorization that was supposed to be dealt with a week ago), I paid all of our outstanding bills, and I had my first therapy session with my new therapist (and I got there early). I cleaned up the kitchen.

Typing it out like that, it doesn't seem like I actually did that much today - but I felt like I was constantly busy, and often doing more than one thing at a time. Added to the stress of calling (I hate talking on the phone) places, and I guess I can see why I'm feeling a bit run down.

All the same, I don't feel proud or happy about what I accomplished today. Rather, I feel unhappy that I didn't do more.

I was going to pick up dry cleaning and do our large loads of laundry (blankets, mostly) at a laundromat. I was going to clean the bedroom and my workroom. I was going to make a delicious primal-friendly dinner for Tene and I, and I was going to drive him out to San Francisco. I was going to end world hunger and achieve world peace, and win a Nobel prize to boot.

No, really, by the time I hung up the phone for the last time today, the idea of making dinner felt about the same as the idea that I could end world hunger. After doing some introspection I realized tell that I've been running low on my overall allotment of "spoons" lately, and I obviously used them all up. I had a number of stressful tasks to do today, and I didn't really let myself get a breather (exception: After seeing my new therapist I wandered around the city a little and found a little used bookstore - on the upside I left empty handed! On the downside, there are now more books on my to-read list. Also, I spent most of my time there worrying about other stuff that needed to get done), nor did I acknowledge what I did do.

So, I should feel happy, but I don't. I'm grumpy and I keep snapping. I also keep taking various things to be active criticisms or intentional slights. To me this means that I should go to sleep. So off to bed I go.