I Should Feel Happy

I should be happy right now. I had a pretty successful day. I made a bunch of phone calls - calling apartments to set up viewings and doctors to set up appointments (and to try to get a prior authorization that was supposed to be dealt with a week ago), I paid all of our outstanding bills, and I had my first therapy session with my new therapist (and I got there early). I cleaned up the kitchen.

Typing it out like that, it doesn't seem like I actually did that much today - but I felt like I was constantly busy, and often doing more than one thing at a time. Added to the stress of calling (I hate talking on the phone) places, and I guess I can see why I'm feeling a bit run down.

All the same, I don't feel proud or happy about what I accomplished today. Rather, I feel unhappy that I didn't do more.

I was going to pick up dry cleaning and do our large loads of laundry (blankets, mostly) at a laundromat. I was going to clean the bedroom and my workroom. I was going to make a delicious primal-friendly dinner for Tene and I, and I was going to drive him out to San Francisco. I was going to end world hunger and achieve world peace, and win a Nobel prize to boot.

No, really, by the time I hung up the phone for the last time today, the idea of making dinner felt about the same as the idea that I could end world hunger. After doing some introspection I realized tell that I've been running low on my overall allotment of "spoons" lately, and I obviously used them all up. I had a number of stressful tasks to do today, and I didn't really let myself get a breather (exception: After seeing my new therapist I wandered around the city a little and found a little used bookstore - on the upside I left empty handed! On the downside, there are now more books on my to-read list. Also, I spent most of my time there worrying about other stuff that needed to get done), nor did I acknowledge what I did do.

So, I should feel happy, but I don't. I'm grumpy and I keep snapping. I also keep taking various things to be active criticisms or intentional slights. To me this means that I should go to sleep. So off to bed I go.